Odds

I know people are trying to cheer me up when they talk about the future. Things are going well...always look forward...more chance of being run over by a bus. But right now I feel as though Sammy is standing in front of the bus, and we are all just hoping he is not hit! Leukemia can kill...there, I've said it..and my Sammy has something that could kill him!

Why am I feeling this way? I am angry and sad about how he is closing up. He never ventures from the couch, doesn't eat and can't find the motivation to do much at all. I have just put a whole list of questions together for Brian to take to the clinic tomorrow; I'd go myself but have Bronchitis so can't go near cancer patients. I want this lethargy, loss of appetite and lack of will to be addressed. This I now fear more than the cancer. I see none of the Sammy I know, instead a little old man with skinny legs who shakes as he tries to haul himself up a step.

But he's in remission! Yes, but that means he can start the more intense therapy...the one that will blast every last inch of his being away...leaving nothing for the cancer to come back to. I just feel like it's taking my Sammy away too!

Consolidation I

"Houston, we have landed!" Remission has been achieved. Phew! Thursday went well medically. Sammy's blood counts, platelets and ANC were all fine for the procedure (spinal tap, bone marrow biopsy and intrathecal Methotrexate)and it went by without a glitch. Sam was even much calmer about being put to sleep this time which was a relief. He was scared of the nightmares he had experience last time, so I whispered gently ideas for his next birthday party...Spongebob cake, balloons and fun at "Dino-dig". He later told me he had good dreams.

Having the finger prick was a different story. It is amazing how we humans accept varying degrees of suffering. Sam was mortified to learn his finger had to be pricked to draw blood, and even more upset after watching Mummy demonstrate with her own finger (ouch)! Major histrionics later, we had squeezed a pin-head sized drop of blood from his numbed finger. The look on his face when we told him this was a weekly event was enough to turn me to stone. We quickly changed the subject to things he's more comfortable with such as having meds pushed through his port..see, accepting varying degrees of 'yucky'!

We left the clinic before getting the results back, but later that afternoon we got a call to tell us the bloodwork indicated remission, and that Sam would be admitted Friday for the next phase of treatment. I went into school Friday Morning with the strangest feeling. I dissolved into tears as I told everyone about the remission, and it was partly relief...but also fear of the next treatment...it was going to be happening that day. In hindsight, I am now very pleased as the alternative would be a new treatment plan to get to remission, but I am still shocked at how sad I was as I told everyone the wonderful news.

I am now sitting in room 906 in CHAM. Sam is over half way through his 24 hour High Dose Methotrexate (HDM). This is the big gun! I am still a little afraid, yet calmer now it is happening. Effects won't present for a day or two so I am bracing for those: mouth sores, nausea, vision problems, sore gastro tract..to name a few probable ones. Others we will deal with IF they happen. We are here for about 4 days so the HDM can be administered safely and the rescue med, Leucovorine, given at the right time. Then we will be home and waiting for neutropenia to set in (lack of immune system). We will play it extra safe, avoiding too much contact with others and staying home. This phase lasts for three weeks. Neutropenia is expected to hit around day 14. Once it is over, we can get out a party once more!