So we finally had the "moment". The one I knew we would have...eventually. I just didn't realize how comfortable I had got until it happened. So you're not panicking, Sammy is okay. I am a little shaken and firing on major adrenaline with a massive dose of the 'oh craps' thrown in. Here is why:
About three days ago, Sammy came to me with pain in his neck. It was the side his port had been on, so I figured he may have some aches at times or he was sore from all the playing he has been doing lately. As I felt his neck, the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end..Sammy had lumps down both sides of his neck.
I had watched Sammy's neck develop swollen glads three years ago and, being completely ignorant of the signs and symptoms of leukemia, I did not rush off to the doctor. We all know how that turned out. This time, I still did nothing. I observed Sammy and decided to wait it out a little as there is a lot of yucky sickness going around.
Today, however, I couldn't ignore my nagging feeling and I asked the school nurse to check Sam out. She felt that his glands warranted a trip to the pediatrician. Now, most teachers would call, make an appointment, and keep teaching. Thankfully most teachers have not had a child with leukemia. When a nurse says go, I go! It was lunchtime and I got an appointment immediately (a perk of being a survivor) and my Principal wonderfully agreed to get my class covered so I could get back home to numb Sammy's finger ready for the blood draw.
I think a lot when I drive. This drive shook me up bad! I relived the panic and fear just after diagnosis. I tried to push away dark thoughts about bone marrow transplants, radiation and more bloody steroids. Leukemia is harder to get rid of the second time around. Fear is a powerful emotion.
One of the toughest things to do is pretend all is well when you are crying inside. Moms have perfected this art when it really counts. I had to really conjure up my 'inner mom' and chat with the kids and pretend all was routine....Sammy still considers random blood draws routine.
The bottom line, after a very long doctors visit and through work-up: Sammy may have a virus as his counts are a little off but nothing to make one scream off into the sunset with manic desperation. The doctor did measure Sammy's lumps, and we have to go back in two weeks to see if they have changed in any way.
The next two weeks are going to be very long. It is Sammy's birthday on Thursday and we have his party on Saturday. All has to be fine and jolly. I reckon I can keep a stiff upper lip and keep myself almost rational about all of this.
Sammy looks and acts well. He has no other signs of relapse. He recently saw his doctors at CHAM and he was 'all clear' then. I have to hang on to this. I WILL hang on to it. Sammy gives me strength so I am in good hands. I'll keep you all informed.
