Sunday, March 20, 2011


So many have been asking why I haven't been posting.  I am not really sure why, except that I have been having what I am calling 'delayed anxiety' over all that has happened over the past year and a half.  Basically, anxiety about our situation has set in and I finally dragged my butt to see someone to help me cope.

Sammy has been doing very well, steroid pulses aside, and has not been neutropenic or hospitalized for a long time, (watch me jinx it now)!  Yet I have been panicking, often in the middle of regular activities, about Sam, Jack, the house, school, putting on weight, which direction to turn in my life, and of course, the big one...relapse.

Finding myself unwilling, almost unable to make it through the day, to get off the couch or become motivated and excited at work, wishing night would come so the kids would be in bed and I could just be alone in my own thoughts...not healthy!!!!

"Well, you have been through so much, I'm not surprised you are feeling it!" so many have said.  But that is not good enough for me....I can cope with anything....I know I can.  The reason I know this is because I am willing to seek help, find support, get my butt into gear again and start living life.

So help is what I sought, and it was amazing to spill out all my angst at a total stranger....REALLY.  I had never been to any form of counseling before, I didn't ever think I would.  However, I strongly recommend it to anyone dealing with a child with a serious illness.

Strangely, the first session was okay and I left feeling like I was on to  something....then spent an hour parked at Binny Park, crying bawling by eyes out.   I was miserable for the whole week, almost debilitated with the feeling of absolute failure and depression.  I did not move, I did not speak, I just went to work, did my thing, came home and crumbled.  Brian was unbelievable in helping me through this stage by just doing everything!  The next session was a little easier, I was sad for a couple of days, not the whole week.

Now I am feeling a release from so much anger and panic.  Well, actually that is not quite true...the anger and panic is till there, but I can push it out again and cope...most of the time.

Today the sunshine was a happy thing...I played outside with the boys for hours.  We sang to Alice in Chains, The Ramones, and the Black Eyed Peas as we made lunch together, and I enjoyed being with my boys again.

Sam still battles cancer, Jack is about to get therapy to help him with his situation, Brian has a broken toe...but I am able to cope with it all again.  We all need help at times, my time is now...just as life was becoming more normal.  Perhaps that is why I began to crumble, I am not in the 'shocked to my bones' stage anymore.

Why am I sharing all of this?  Because I'm acutely aware of the audience this blog has attracted....many people view the posts from sites such as and I know how hard this whole experience can be.  Seeking help is part of the journey...I realize that now.  Sometimes a total stranger is the person who can make you feel better because they are totally detached from your situation.  They are paid to listen, there is no need to sugar coat or be guarded so you don't overburden wonderful friends.

Today is a good wonderful day!


  1. You HAVEN'T been in therapy all this time? Bless your sweet heart a million times. You are a trooper, that's for sure. But soldiers need support, too. I'm so glad you are getting help for you and that it is indeed helping.

    I've been concerned about you, like others. In fact, I had come to your blog today to see if you had an email link. I was going to check in. So glad you posted this for everyone so that we know you are okay, and also because it will encourage others to seek support, too.

    You're the best.

  2. Thanks so much, Galen. Things have been tough and I know when to call it quits and stop trying to do it all.....finally. Debated about posting...kind of embarrassing too, but I decided to anyway...may as well let it ALL out on this blog!

  3. Dear Katy,
    As I read your post today, I was thrown back to months I spent feeling the same as you have. That helpless, yet do everything you can while squashing your own feelings and always stay in control mode. I was an expert, and in some ways still am. When life pitches us lemons, we try to hit them out of the park, instead of making lemonade. We stay busy, hopeful, prayerful....because the alternative is stopping to think and feel...and grieve. The ever present grief is in the sense of life forever changing in an unwelcome way. And in knowing no matter WHAT we do, it is not our destiny or our job to be in control. So we cry...BAWL. Let it out. Talk it out. Then pick up the ball again.
    We are women...mothers and daughters...and it's what we do best.
    I'm OK. You're OK. Or we will will be.
    Much love, Lisa

  4. Lisa, I am so lucky to be surrounded by such wise and supportive people...that is half the battle. What you say is so true...I am also so sorry you know so much about it. Thank you for your words...they help!

  5. Katy- You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing this, as hard as it may have been. Please, please, please know that you always have someone rooting for you long distance, and someone to confide in, even if it is via email. Sending you much love. xo

  6. S, you are wonderful....when you told me you thought of me at the EV concert, I cried a little...what a time to think of little ol' me!!!!!

  7. Katy,
    Thanks for taking time to post comments on my blog. It is always helpful and encouraging to hear from other moms who are going through the same challenges. I understand your feeling of panic and aniexty. I felt it more when Nicholas finished treatment and my other cancer moms warned me this would happen. I did not believe them, but now I do. I hope you can find comfort in your counselor and realize it is ok to feel this way. I still have my moments but they are farther apart. Take care. Karen Shannon

  8. Glad you have gotten the help you can only keep up a positive attitude so long.

    Sometimes you need to talk to someone not so close to the situation.


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