Friday, January 8, 2010

Theories A and B

I recently discovered that the effects of the chemo are cumulative.  That means Sam will experience more severe reactions to the chemo as the cycles go on. (Theory A).  Of course, I do keep receiving mixed messages and most doctors say his body will actually get more used to it and be able to tolerate it more. (Theory B). Which it will turn out to be remains a mystery...only time will tell.  HOWEVER...Sam is certainly feeling the effects more this cycle that the last.  It was proposed by Dr. Gorlick that his fever was due to the Mercaptapurine (6MP) which can severely lower the blood counts as it builds up in the body...evidence for theory A.  Meanwhile, we are constantly told, mostly by our dear Dr. Roth, that it gets easier now and even more easy when we reach LTM (Long Term Maintenance), which is in June or July.  Well, I have to say, being in the hospital all week and possibly next week, receiving blood transfusions and crying myself to sleep over the fear of infection defeating my son is certainly not "easier"!

Aside from the initial absolutely indescribable feeling when we were first diagnosed, and the ways we helped to torture our little boy in the first week, I have to say it has not gotten any easier at all.  In fact, now reality has set in, I cry more, feel down more and often become less optimistic than I used to be.  We are seeing how much cancer is robbing each  family  member of their lives...Jack can no longer celebrate his birthday at Nodas (Japanese Hibachi) as Sammy really won't be able to go there with him and he announced with absolute childhood innocence..."I really hate cancer!!!" 

I really hate: cancer, the way my family is torn apart as we juggle the hospital, the sorrow in my son's eyes as he sits in his hospital bed for days, the fact that Sam says he 'broken', the multitude of versions we hear about the way Sam's treatment and experience will play out... no two doctors generally give me the same information, the fact that Jack has not had a guitar lesson or played a sport since diagnoses, ....the list goes on.  I HATE it.  I am going to hate it more if theory A is true.

1 comment:

  1. This is the first time I have been to your blog, Katy - I admire your character! You and Brian are very special people - I remember when Linda had cancer that we decided to focus on the fact that the cancer was the real enemy and we tried to embrace the chemo - that's really hard to do when it makes you so sick - but I just know that the strength all of your family has will pull Sam through this - We think of you all every day - I am not much of a formal praying type, but in my own way I ask each day for the grace of a cure for Sam -


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