Hating Cancer

At bedtime tonight my little boy opened up in a big way.  We were snuggled up for cuddle time and he stated quite categorically, "I hate having cancer, it has changed my life so much and I want my old life back!"  Sam has said this before, but tonight he went into more detail. 

His life is different in so many ways that bother him.  He wishes he could go to school:  this broke my heart as he tried to go today and had such a bad panic attack, Poppa had to take him home.  Sam also wants to be able to do all the things he used to do with his healthy, strong body: ride his bike, play golf, swim, and have playdates.

Sam was also expressive about how sorry he feels that the whole family suffers with his cancer.  He heard Jack open up about his frustrations with seeing Sam get so many toys and replied, "But Jack, it's because I have to have all the procedures and yucky things."  Jack wasn't convinced.

We spoke about how things will begin to get easier; how we will try to start school properly after the vacation, and how his body will begin to get stronger as he feels more able to begin to get around more. We even talked about his birthday (mainly the food he will eat) and the possibility of us beginning swimming soon.  Sam even said he wanted to dive but felt a little too afraid right now.

I marveled tonight at how expressive Sam was with his feelings. (I am hoping the Zoloft takes a positive effect and is not the cause of this sadness).  Strangely my heart did not break upon hearing these words, in fact I felt relieved he was opening up more.  I was able to tell him about things we will do and how, although treatment will last for a couple more years, he should feel a lot better as time goes on.   Of course, as I type, I feel myself crossing my fingers that I am right...but I think I am.