PTSD

So things are going well with Sammy.  His blood counts were good at our last visit, he is becoming more active and his old personality is emerging.  The latter can actually be a little challenging, as he was a feisty fellow with an iron will and the ability to argue like a professional lawyer.... but that also helped him get through his battle.

Jack is okay.  He has some anger issues that he talks openly about to me, and I feel he might need some counseling to resume in order for him to work through his issues.  'Treatment being over' doesn't mean the feelings go away.  In fact, whole new sets of troubles arise.

No one likes to admit to being weak and unable to handle situations.  That is not what I am doing with this post, in fact. However, something new is developing, or rather has been brewing over the last few months.  Basically, my own body has launched an all out attack on me.... it doesn't want to do anything anymore, and it keeps telling me to quit and go to sleep!

Surely now is the time for me to be getting all excited about the future ahead of us, the gratitude for our beautiful son being able to live his life, the thrill of less hospital visits, and the return to normalcy?  But it is not.  We hold our breath every time Sam is tired, gets a pain, or falls badly.... not actually as much as I thought I would, but it is still there.  Yet, now the worst is over, I am sick...sick and tired...ALL the time!

I have gone through many tests.  My body is strong enough to run a marathon!  I am fine!  I am healthy! I am loosing my mind!!!!!   Yep!  I am actually diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...what kind of a frickin' wimp am I??????   There are parents who have been through all of this and lost their children...seven every day to be precise!  45 parents are given the news their child has cancer every day, you don't hear of all of them cracking up and needing to sleep all day once the worst is done!

But that is why I'm telling you about it.  It is not something that is talked about.  And seeing how this blog has basically been a bare my soul, warts and all kind of experience, why stop once treatment is over?

I literally cannot get through a day at work and then function at home.  I am on meds to help and I am actually calm and don't get angry, panicky or 'stressed'.  But, and this is the big but.... I am exhausted to the point of not being able to do anything almost all of the time.  I push and get through what I have to and then, sometimes, collapse in a heap on the couch and ignore the kids and leave my lovely Brian to do it all.  I have no choice.

Going out to enjoy myself has also become a chore.... I have made so many apologies lately for missing functions...because I literally slept through them...I have lost count!  A good friend had a 'talk' with me yesterday and dragged my butt out to a party.  She saw me today and commented on how absolutely wrecked I looked...it took so much out of me.  I did enjoy being out, but payback is a bitch and I didn't even drink too much!!!

So what now?  Therapy again...this time for a more extended period, done properly!  I know I have hit bottom, as I have had to keep my chin up, work with children who deserve nothing less than 100%, look after a sick kid, keep my other son sane, and juggle daily life too!  I managed for two years, it is time I let my body rest.  Impossible...all the above still apply to varying degrees.  But anyone who thinks parents of kids with cancer are okay once treatment is over and their child is on the road to a normal life could not be further from the truth.  Now is the time the parents are collapsing and clinging on for dear life!

I will be fine.... other parents will be fine.... but I am sharing a reality that is such a big elephant in the room.  Life AFTER cancer sucks too!