Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Panic...Nothing's Wrong!

Let me start by saying Sammy is fine.  My resolve to stay positive is not, however....bother!  You see, I happened upon the US News Best Children's Hospital for Cancer site.  Not surprisingly St Judes is #1.  But I scrolled down waiting to see where Montefiore fell in the rankings....nada.  I tried looking it up by area...nothing!  I then had a 'mild' panic attack! 

I know Sammy is doing really well on his treatment, and Peter is now five years clear and an all round superstar, but my body actually aches from the panic I feel. 
Categories for the rankings included;
  • ALL Survival
  • Reputation with Specialists
  • Preventing bloodstream Infections
  • Infection-preventing Activities
  • Nurse-Patient Ratio
  • Advanced Clinical Care
So Monte is not even on the radar!  Why?  What stops them?  is it the fact they are not a Cancer Specialist Hospital?  Many of the doctors are from Sloan-Kettering which was ranked #8.  I am trying to stay rational...I have always had such confidence in Sam's treatment despite the many hospitalizations and severe pain he has experienced throughout.  

It is strange that I always swore that if my child got cancer, Id' go to St. Judes, no matter what!  My child did, and I didn't go there....In fact I didn't even consider it when we were in the haze of diagnosis.  Why, I will never know, but Sam is doing extremely well.  So why the panic?  Perhaps because, when you trust something so much...with your own child's life, then they are not recognized in the 'business' as you would expect, it throws your sense of trust to the wind in a brutal, gut wrenching way. 

Compound that with my recent stumblings on blogs about children who have not conquered cancer, and the overall effect is...well, suffice it to say, I'm still feeling very grateful that we are where we are now, but today is a worry day!  January 4th...not bad for my positive outlook....I thought I'd cave by the 3rd! 


  1. Bless your heart. When my son was young and I really believed I could "cure" his autism, I always felt that whatever I was doing was not enough. There was always another treatment out there, something someone had read about, something I hoped would hold the secret. I did not uproot my famliy and go to where the cutting edge was. Like you, I liked and trusted the people helping him. We had as normal a life as possible. Would it have been different if we went to the "best" clinics? Who knows? I did the best I could for him, and for the whole family.

    No matter what decisions we make, the responsibility we feel for our children is staggering, and the temptation to second guess is unavoidable. We do the best we can. It sounds like you are surrounded by friends who love you and support you, and by medical caregivers who are excellent and whom you trust.

    You are doing one thing that I can absolutely guarantee is right. You are acknowledging your feelings and getting supoprt. I struggled for years in denial, and believed I could handle it all myself. You are a very very wise mother. Your children and husband know, I'm sure, how very blessed they are to have you in their corner.

  2. I have regular bouts of panic and guilt and remorse over my selection of nursing homes for my mom. Truth be told, it is the PEOPLE there that make the difference. The ones who care for her spirit and soul beyond the clinical and nursing care she receives. That is why she remains in the same facility. They also care for me...with hugs when I cry and patience when I am overwhelmed. There is more to healing than science. Have some faith in your choices...you will always do what is best for your child.
    Hang in there!

  3. Thank you both for your comments....deep down I know Sammy is doing well and his doctors are excellent. I need to work through this, and I will. I truly believe we have to recognize our emotions and then accept them....then try to move on.


Your comments mean so much to us.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...