Friday, May 6, 2011

I Cried Today

I don't know what makes a day one of those days, but today was a humdinger of a day.  Last night I was so know, that tired to the bone, desperate for sleep kind of tired that makes you grumpy and a little high-strung.  Who am I kidding?   I've felt like that for's part of the journey I'm on with my family and dear old cancer!

Anyway, I digress.  So last night, tired beyond reason, I sat in the kitchen comforting my amazingly strong son who had just HAD ENOUGH:  Sam is sick and tired of the treatment, fed up with not being 'normal'.  He says he is not a 'normal kid'.  He says he wants to be able to play and chase his friends at recess.  He says he wishes he had never had cancer, as it is too much now.

I validated everything, no sugar-coating, just plain agreeing with him.  It sucks, stinks, feels like crap, blah, blah, blah.  (My words, not his...."Cancer is stupid" is Sam's real release words would make this blog R rated!  We are getting closer to the end of treatment, but tell a kid he has at least five more months to go and it doesn't register the same way it does to all our well-wishers.  It still seems like forever, and so much of his life has revolved around not being normal (his words).

Sam also showed how much things are getting to him when Leslie, his psychologist, had the session with him in the clinic.  Playing doctor often helps in a therapeutic way.  Sam has a monkey he looks after and often works on 'teaching' the monkey how to cope with the treatments he gets from Sam.  This visit was remarkably different: instead of helping the monkey feel better, Sam stuck the needle in the monkey's eyes, nose, ears...basically anywhere it would hurt, and with no plan to calm the monkey before treatment.

So, back to today:  I drove to school with the sunglasses hiding my tears, blamed allergies as kind colleagues checked in with me, and sucked it up and gave it my all once the students were in the classroom.  Only those closest to me knew what was going on.

This is a crying day....I have them....I will continue to have them spring up and surprise me for many years to come, I'm sure.  I hope Sammy does not continue to have them once treatment is over, and I won't let him know if I do.

Why share this?  'Cos I'm a sap!   No, it's because the people reading this who are in my shoes will relate and understand, they might feel better about their own crying days, they might give themselves a break and let it happens.  I still feel like crying, the day is not yet over.  Tomorrow, however, is another day.


  1. So even people like me have crying days, and now I feel like a total selfish a*hole (keeping it non R rated) for crying over lame things.

    You need to let it go. Let the feelings of anger, frustration, sorrow (etc) GO. Let them go and then you can move onward. It's part of what makes you a terrific wife and mom. Otherwise you'd be like me. LOL

    But what I really wanted to say is that I cannot know what you truly go through. I can only imagine. And try to feel a little bit of your pain along with you, to a certain degree, and most of all, offer my love and support.

    Know that I am here anytime you need me. Literally. I say this with all my heart. I am on a plane the second you say it would help. To meet and hug and cry and vent and share a glass of wine. To laugh and cry some more. And then listen to some Pearl Jam and cry all the harder.

    Although we are across the country (and we've never met), I am your friend and confidant. Know that.

    xoxo, Shannon

  2. You got me crying again, Shannon! But these are happy tears xxxx

  3. Unfortunately, no one can ever know exactly what someone else is going through. But, we can understand a little bit, and empathize. For completely different reasons, I have crying days too. I know I can’t do anything to help, but I’m always here if you want to talk, Katy.

    Feel free to email me anytime:

    Your friend

    M xxx

  4. I am very lucky to have such amazing friends...I certainly didn't mean to say others didn't have reasons to cry too. I just know cancer moms drop by this blog. People in my shoes can be anyone with something causing them sadness...not just cancer...we all need to let it out and have a good blub now and then.

  5. Bless your sweet heart. Days like this will help cleanse your soul so that you can move forward. You are so loved by your family and friends--I can tell that by what you say and by the responses you get. But no one can carry this for you. All they can do is help you carry it by loving and supporting you. Blessings to you and Sammy.


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